Vintage spooky

So, when Mandy asked me why I like Halloween so much my first response was "Because I am a witch". We were always raised that way. I got my first stitches, my only stitches, because my Mom had turned us into frogs. We always were a witchy family. That is why the idea of Valerie having her chrystals and things makes so much more sense to me than Mandy going to her Bible study.

I have spent some time thinking about what Halloween was like when I was a kid. We trick-or-treated around our small neighborhood. It was spooky because it was so dark. The sidwalks were all bumpy and uneven. It seems like there was always a big Halloween moon and wind howling.
We carved pumpkins every year. In fact, this is the first year we haven't. It made me sad, but time just got away from us. At my Mom's the pumpkins always went in the dining room window. It was a big bay window. We would go outside and ooh and aah over them all lit up after we carved them.
We had some decorations that we would put up every year. What I remember the most are two cardboard cut outs of a vampire man and woman. They were jointed and we would rearrange them in different poses. Of course there were pumpkins everywhere too. And ghosts.

I have always loved taking my kids out to get their treats. Hearing everyone gush over their costumes. I must admit, I sewed them more for me than for them. I didn't always sew them, sometimes we pieced them together from clothes we had around. It's always been something I have enjoyed though.
It was nice taking Mandy's kids out this year. The weather was perfect and they were so excited. Julianna really liked ringing the doorbells. And Jack was too little to argue with her about him getting a turn. He was just overwhelmed that every time they would add more and more candy! Annabelle was excited too. I forgot to tell you about the house that had two little yorkie dogs. Jack and Annabelle thought they were the cutest things they had ever seen. They squealed at them running around so tiny. The people acted like they were going to put the dog in Jack's pumpkin. He thought it was hilarious. Then, there was another dog on the sidewalk. It was one of the ones that has really long legs and long hair, white. I don't know what kind it is...an Afghan? They liked her too.
I look forward to dressing up with you in the future. Maybe we should host a party ourselves next year? We could plan ahead and make some really super costumes, invitations and decorations.... *fun*

Perhaps Strength Doesn't Reside
In Having Never Been Broken
...But In The Courage Required
To Grow Strong In The Broken Places

Seeing these words at the airport on my way home from my visit really gave me something to think about on the flight. Several times I have opened my diary, the one you gave me :), to read them again. I shared them last night at my book club meeting and earlier this week with Emily as well.

I think that at this time last year I felt very broken. Nothing to do but dwell on how things were not. This continued for some time. I would act ok. Meaning I went through the motions of my daily life. But inside I wasn't happy at all. I have told people that I felt like my bones were made of glass and I was completely shattered inside. Everything I did throughout the day made millions of shards poke me and remind me of the pain I felt every moment. Causing injuries that were only visible to me.

So many hard days. Even harder nights. But I realized that for every tough minute, every tear, I was growing stronger. And soon a peace came over me. An acceptance of the spot that I was in. I realized that I did not want to be in a relationship with someone that did not value me. I discovered my self worth. And in that discovery I found happiness.

Real, true life happiness. Everything was better. I felt like I was floating. Life was smooth sailing. There would be times that I would be lonely, but it really didn't last long. I was at a good spot. Even though I still felt like there was a place for love in my life, I knew that it wouldn't be anything that I could force.

So many of our first conversations were about our broken hearts. Wondering why people didn't love each other, why the little things that matter the most were the first to drop off in relationships. Neither of us felt like it had to be that way. It is exactly all the little things that make life full. Not the fancy birthday presents or expensive anniversary dinners. No sparkly jewelry will ever shine as brightly as your letters to me. I value all the things you give to me that money can't buy.

As my feelings for you grew stronger, taking me by surprise, I initially felt fear. Not exclusively, of course. I was full of excitement at getting to know you. Thrilled to discover the wonderful person that you are. Amazed that there wasn't that pesky little voice inside telling me to be cautious. Especially after being hurt so bad, I was still brave enough to fall in love with you.

I think that both of us will find peace in our love for each other. I have never felt so solid and sure of my feelings. I have never felt so safe and so loved. I will strive everyday to make you feel the same way. I want to be all that you will ever need. I want to help you grow strong in your broken places, as you have helped to heal mine. I want to always stand by your side, facing life together with you. You are my Love.
Always and forever.

My little Charlie

In case you wondered how well I do with cats, this should reassure you. We are very adaptable. And even though there are a few of them that will move in with you, and each of them has their own quirks, I want you to know that they will soon be a big part of our family too.

Your words to me, my words to you

I am so happy that we get to talk! Man, am I sneaky!

Bored at work

I am sitting here at work. Bored. It has been a slow day. Which is nice.
I have cut out Annabelle's pattern. Not really in the mood for reading. I have played way too much Super Collapse, my hand hurts now. I didn't take my pills last night since it was so late. That is probably not helping my hand feeling so stiff.
I miss being able to text you.
I miss being with you. I have sat here thinking of what we were doing last Sunday at this time. My time with you was so much fun. I can not wait until that is our everyday. I love every minute I get with you. How are we going to have real jobs and be apart for hours? We need to come up with something. I keep thinking about how my Dr. told me when Emily was born that if I wanted to stay home bad enough I would find a way to work it out. I feel like that again. And I am trying to think of something that would work out. Maybe? Of course I wouldn't want you to get sick of me though.
So, even though I can't chat at you all day long, I wanted you to know you are on my mind as always.
xoxo

Take 2?

I don't know if this will work?

If not, then I give up. I have spent nearly an hour on the slideshow. I was supposed to be mopping. It wasn't too hard to delay that, but it is so frustrating that even after making a completely new slideshow from scratch the same slideshow as before showed up!
I was just going to share two of the things that made me happy when I came home. Evidence of happy kids playing and an explosion of flowers in the front yard. I have alot to do today. Laundry, mopping, sweeping, picking up the kids and dinner out with them. I want you to know you are on my mind and I am so excited to see you. My heart aches that we haven't talked yet today. I <3 you!

oops! What happened here?

Um, someone is going to be mad that they got the slideshow that I made for you. It seems like they spent alot of time on this one. They have a cute dog! :)

I don't have a cutesy picture to put on here, since we have failed to take any so far for my entire visit, but I wanted you to know that this week has been truly amazing for me. I can not imagine feeling as loved as I have this week every day for the rest of the days of my life. You are amazing. Which does not even give justice to the beautiful person that you are. I feel so inadequate when I try to tell you how I feel. When I try to convey the depths of my emotions for you.
I love that we can lay in bed and talk together the same way that we do on the phone. Real heartfelt conversations. I love that for the last few days when I look up with a smile on my face, you are there to see it. I love looking at your eyes when someone says something outlandish and knowing that we will giggle about it later. I love the feel of your hand in mine. I love being spoiled by you, but what I love even more is when you tell me that I spoil you!
There aren't words to say how I have appreciated this time that we have shared. I am overcome with how grateful I am to have had days and days of just loving you. No real schedules. Late mornings :) and snuggled in evenings of wine and pool. These days have been priceless to me. All I ever want, all I ever need, is time with you and your words to be the happiest woman in the world. Thank you so much for loving me the way you do. I am yours, forever and always.

So while I might not have a cutesy picture for you, I want you to close your eyes and picture me catching the cheesecake and I want you to get the giggles so bad that you wake up Mr. B. And I want you to know that leaving you tomorrow will be one of the hardest things I ever do. I still don't know how I am expected to walk away from you. At least I can just count the days now and not the months. xoxoxo

You'll have to get used to things like this!

This is the dino that we hide around the house. He most recently surprised me last week in the rice cooker. No one else took credit for putting him there so it must have been me once upon a time. I crack myself up!!
Tuesday morning when I was baking my birthday cake, I discovered him lurking in the cabinet trapped under this glass. It made me lol.
I hope that when you get here you will join in our fun. We originally had three of them. One I gave away and the other is m.i.a. It will be freaking hilarious when we find him. This one is missing his hands, and his eyeballs were painted all lopsided by a young Chinese kid, so it may be time for his retirement. I would love to pick out something new with you to begin hiding around the house. Those homies out of the gumball machines could be very tricky. They are little!
Have I told you lately that I can not wait for you to get here????!?

Turns out I was more sweet than dorky

Thoughts about birthdays

I want to thank you for making my birthday so wonderful yesterday. As you know, I have had a hard time with birthdays since my Mom died. I can't help feeling like no one really cares about the day that I was born. So I force my friends to worship me by bribing them with wonderful food.

It was a nice day yesterday. I loved spending the morning with you talking and having coffee. I can not wait until we get to do stuff like that together. I appreciate the presents you gave me. It makes me feel so special to know that everything in that package was selected with care for me. I loved all of it and I am very serious about turning the black rock into a necklace. You amaze me everyday with your love. I admit that, at times, I don't feel worthy.

I want to share some things from birthdays past.

This picture is from my first birthday. Of course I don't remember it, but seeing that picture makes me wonder so much what my Mom was thinking. She was 36 when I was born. My sisters were so far past the baby stage that I think maybe she was able to enjoy my baby-ness in a way that she couldn't when they were infants. I feel like every snuggle and coo had to have been cherished. I was her baby. I can just feel the protection even now of her hand on my knee as I reach for the candle.


Then I turn three. I have a good feeling that my second birthday was lost in the chaos of Mandy being born on September 1st. You can see her in this picture behind me in the high chair, just over a year old. We had some books full of cut-out cakes. Before our birthdays Mom would sit us down and flip through them and let us pick out which design we wanted that year. I have those books now and continued that tradition with my kids when they were young. I love that she took the time to make our cakes with love. In this picture I am sitting at the kitchen table. It was really a bar-type thing that separated the kitchen and dining room. We ate dinner there every night. The light that hung over it was bought with green stamps. At different times I loved it and abhorred it. We'll just say it was very...unique. In later years we had some light up M&M Christmas-type lights that my Mom would string up over the table and we would hang balloons down from there. Simple things. Balloons that take 2 minutes to put up, but they made you feel like a star.



My fourth birthday is the one that made me feel like a celebrity. I can not remember a more beautiful cake. That yellow butterfly with its candy accents is forever burned in my memory. My Mom put curlers in my hair for the afternoon, my hair was still so thin and baby like that I don't think I ended up with any real curl, but talk about feeling glamorous! I glowed. We were even celebrating at the dining room table with a tablecloth! This only happened on holidays. The rest of the story I don't remember. My Mom told me later how mad she was. Valerie and Stephanie had to come home from Macomb, where they were in college, for the festivities. I guess that they had car trouble on the way home and my Dad had to go pick them up. It was super late by the time they got back so that I could open presents and have cake. That is why we are in our robes and ready for bed. Even though they were so far away, and I am sure busy with their own things, they were still required to come home for my day.

I look forward to the future we will share together. I can not wait to make you feel like a spoiled princess on your birthdays. I want to wait on you hand and foot and give you your fill of your most favorite things. I want you to know that with every year that passes I will love you more and more.